The not nice paradox

Nice guys don’t finish last, they get trampled on during the race. While the intelligent, spiritual, friendly, funny and good looking nice guy volunteers at charities and goes out on Friday night only to jack off in his trash can, the self absorbed, inconsiderate, loud annoying and not particularly good looking guy watches TV, goes out on a Friday night, and brings home the exquisite and fun to be around female only to shag her rotten and never call her again, or commence in a long term relationship that baffles everyone who knows how amazing of a person she is and how much of a prick he is.

She has a nice ass, is articulate and hilarious. He has a weird looking mouth, is proud to be ignorant and everyone wonders why he is still talking, everyone but her.

Nice guy includes everyone in the conversation; he has a truck and helps you move to your new place. He is eloquent, stays in shape and cares about how his actions affect people. But he’s been single for years, and women always tell him “I’m so glad that we’re friends”

The prick guy never goes 3 weeks without action, and always has his fucks… I mean his ducks in a row. Before the monkey moves on from one branch, he makes sure he’s holding onto another branch!

Beautiful women tell nice guy, “Don’t change! You’re the best catch in the sea! The girls that are worth it want someone that is beautiful on the inside and outside like you! I mean, you’re the… oh wait, sorry, annoying douche bag man-whore is giving me a booty-call, I gotta go, goodnight nice guy!”

He’s tried dating friends of friends, doing poi with the local fire-spinners club, and talking to random girls at coffee shops. He’s tried match.com, okcupid and craigslist. After the last date from hell from a girl that seemed nice at first but couldn’t stop talking about herself and her dog, he had enough!

With the question “Why do all good women only like assholes?” spray painted on the biggest sheet of poster board he could find, he marched to 6th and Congress Avenue with a milk crate in hand. He found his spot, set it down and stood up, brow furrowed and lungs filling ready to shout, until he was caught mid breath by a gorgeous woman around his age standing on a ledge across the street with a shirt on that said “Why do all good men only like bitches?” suddenly silent with arms caught mid-gesture.

Eyes locked, and 20 years later they’re still that happy couple that makes everyone want to puke. Ladies’ man douche prick is working on his 5th divorce.

Ode to Calculus

You are my salvation, and my greatest enemy.
You are my muse, in the sense that you inspire me to do other things.
You torture my brain daily with the flint you use to sharpen it.
You simultaneously make me feel smarter and dumber than I really am.
You are the foundation for reality yet seem to have nothing to do with it.
You are my lead weighted nun chucks, giving supreme confidence at times, but you are unafraid to beat the living shit out of me if I act like I know what’s up.

Who are you?

What kind of soulless beast would require I sledgehammer my skull to understand this?
It was bad enough making sense of numbers, then I’m taking the square root of letters, now I’m performing surgery in Greek and this is supposed to be math?

sigh.

You are here to rescue me from my lack of job skills, my stagnating brain, and my poor understanding of the toolbox of existence yet for some reason, a friend who wants to hang out, a tasty meal and a good nap always swoop in to try to rescue me from you.

Oh calculus, your puzzles make me delightfully suicidal, your logic fascinates the head I repeatedly slam against the desk, you make me say “HUH?” (I don’t understand) “OOOOH!” (I get it!) “UH!” (I found the answer!) “OH!” (It was wrong!)

You are robotic, emotionless, black and white, yet nothing brings out in me every color in the spectrum of the raw extremes of human emotion.

I remind myself with you that if all everyone ever did was make art, music, and dance, none of the problems of hunger, environmental degradation, poverty and un-sustainability in the world would ever get solved. Yet you are the biggest problem in my world.

I do realize that you are a beacon of hope that will help me achieve what I want to accomplish in life, and you may want to caress, fondle, and make love, but make no mistake. I will make you my BITCH!