I'm here to help, Part 1

I am everything you see. Everything you touch, everything you eat, everything you have, and everything you mmmmmmm buy. It is there because of me, you are nothing without me, I am in charge of your life and no recession can keep me down.



I’ll give you happiness with a soap opera and a pro wrestling match on a wall sized plasma screen, sprinkled with porno ridden beer advertisements, covered in chocolate coated skittles doused in high fructose corn syrup,that has been psychologically engineered to keep you crawling back for more, but it’ll cost ya.



Ooh did that give you a rittle tummy ache? I can give you the latest FDA monkey approved pill from a very sue-able doctor along with the worlds best health care the wealthy can buy, through bipartisan sold insurance with a complimentary bookshelf of extensively hieroglyphic paperwork, but it’ll cost ya.



Oooohh you’re a social worker, with a heart of gold but bank account of pocket change. Ummm can you please get the fuck out of my face and make way for people that actually have money?



Who are you going to call to save you, the government? I own the government. Billions speak louder than ballots. Lobbyists at town hall meetings can yell louder than working families.



Besides, even if you are sick, there are other ways I can make you happy. Feeling a little disconnected from the earth? Get a wal mart house plant to symbolize the jungle I cut down to grow it, put it in your apartment complex, named “pecan grove” after the forest I cut down to build that, then take a trip to the air conditioned zoo to see the lions and pandas from the ecosystems I decimated to entertain you.



Maybe you’d like some heroin spiked petroleum for you to go to the carnival of endless bounty we know as the grocery store? How bout an asthma inhaler for your child needed from all that smog your car just let out? Not enough time to exercise, there are good shows to watch, try some TV dinners during those programs full of beautiful women that make you feel inadequate. After that try some thigh cream to smooth out the cellulite from all that valuable time you spent with your child in silence in front of that rectangular parent.



Ahh whats a matter? Maybe try some anti-depressants to fill in the void left by a loss of community, meaningful faith and nature? Maybe a cartoon with commercials to keep your mind off of those reasons I make you depressed and to get your mind on buying things to make you happy! Because the richer are and the more you buy, the happier you will be!



I am here for you cherished and valued consumer. I’m from a corporation, and I’m here to help.