The not nice paradox

Nice guys don’t finish last, they get trampled on during the race. While the intelligent, spiritual, friendly, funny and good looking nice guy volunteers at charities and goes out on Friday night only to jack off in his trash can, the self absorbed, inconsiderate, loud annoying and not particularly good looking guy watches TV, goes out on a Friday night, and brings home the exquisite and fun to be around female only to shag her rotten and never call her again, or commence in a long term relationship that baffles everyone who knows how amazing of a person she is and how much of a prick he is.

She has a nice ass, is articulate and hilarious. He has a weird looking mouth, is proud to be ignorant and everyone wonders why he is still talking, everyone but her.

Nice guy includes everyone in the conversation; he has a truck and helps you move to your new place. He is eloquent, stays in shape and cares about how his actions affect people. But he’s been single for years, and women always tell him “I’m so glad that we’re friends”

The prick guy never goes 3 weeks without action, and always has his fucks… I mean his ducks in a row. Before the monkey moves on from one branch, he makes sure he’s holding onto another branch!

Beautiful women tell nice guy, “Don’t change! You’re the best catch in the sea! The girls that are worth it want someone that is beautiful on the inside and outside like you! I mean, you’re the… oh wait, sorry, annoying douche bag man-whore is giving me a booty-call, I gotta go, goodnight nice guy!”

He’s tried dating friends of friends, doing poi with the local fire-spinners club, and talking to random girls at coffee shops. He’s tried match.com, okcupid and craigslist. After the last date from hell from a girl that seemed nice at first but couldn’t stop talking about herself and her dog, he had enough!

With the question “Why do all good women only like assholes?” spray painted on the biggest sheet of poster board he could find, he marched to 6th and Congress Avenue with a milk crate in hand. He found his spot, set it down and stood up, brow furrowed and lungs filling ready to shout, until he was caught mid breath by a gorgeous woman around his age standing on a ledge across the street with a shirt on that said “Why do all good men only like bitches?” suddenly silent with arms caught mid-gesture.

Eyes locked, and 20 years later they’re still that happy couple that makes everyone want to puke. Ladies’ man douche prick is working on his 5th divorce.